Nobody’s perfect. Nobody is. Even those who seem so perfect in our eyes, feel the same way as we do. Some are more beautiful, some are more skinny, some seem sweeter… but were all the same.
My life has been good, and it has been bad. No in between for me lately. I have been slipping up more and more. When I can’t b/p I restrict. I haven’t really noticed much of a difference yet… but in all honesty it has nothing to do with my image. I can’t pinpoint the reasoning, I guess in a sick way it satisfies my mind into thinking I’m doing one good thing at least.
I keep having dreams of people around me dying. I really have no idea why, but I always wake up so sad. A very deep sadness then consumes me for the entire day. I feel as if my life is being wasted, because I live in this cycle and routine.
I got a kitten a few months ago, I love her more than anything. But she’s not my Cosmo. Nobody will ever take his spot, so I feel as if I have to numb myself forever. I know it was my fault, I honestly couldn’t control his behavior. But the guilt, just continues to consume me. I know I should talk to someone, but I don’t really trust many people. Those who call themselves friends here are not friends. They don’t get me. They can’t understand half the crap I have been through, or even a third of it. It really hurts because I have days when I just do not want to get up… and nobody gets it. Not even Charlie. He’s really the only person I trust, but I keep things from him too. I feel like this horrible girlfriend… but if he knew that I still hang on to old habits he just wouldn’t understand. I know it’s better this way, but I wish it didn’t have to be.
I just wish someone knew me well enough inside and out, could tell me everything could be alright. I know my life isn’t as horrible as some, and I also know it’s selfish to think that even for a minute. There are people suffering, and dying… and here I am crying my eyes out over some petty bullshit?
I miss my family. They are still in Japan, they have about a year left until they return. I feel like a part of myself left, and I feel so empty. My brother still doesn’t really talk to me… unless it’s about gifts for him. I guess it could be because he’s 14, but I still can’t help but wonder if it’s because of Cosmo. I know he won’t forgive me, I can’t forgive myself. I sometimes tell myself he found a good home, and maybe just maybe they gave him another chance… but I know I’m only fooling myself. He had to many aggressive issues. I can’t help but remember leaving him, in that cold place… locked up in a tiny chainlinked fence. Watching him shivering from the cold. I would joke before about getting a sweater, because he was so sensitive to the weather. I swear I don’t blame Charlie, but sometimes I can’t help it. If I wasn’t with him, I could have kepy my baby boy. I wouldn’t have to worry about him biting anyone.
About Me
I'm Jori, 20 years old. Search of happiness, and being at peace with myself. Trying to find ways to love life, using writing as my main key.
Loves...
I love those who love me back. I love life for what it is... and what it can be. I love that every day is a new chance for me to make things right again... I love having friends that are there, regardless of where I am... and I love that even when things get tough, I have them to count on in the end.
Hates...
I don't hate, I can't stand the thought of hating people or things. I can say I hate how the life can be when it's hard... and I hate that fairness is only a dream.